“First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in a baby carriage” as the jingle goes. But there’s not really a jingle for divorce, nor should there be. The church has even less answers when it comes to divorce, let alone remarriage!

I want to share with you what I’ve learned recently about these topics Biblically, because it’s so rarely discussed in churches. First, let’s look at a couple passages.

*Malachi 2:13-16 “And this is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and sighing, because He no longer gives attention to the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your marriage companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And why the one? He was seeking a godly offspring. Be careful then about your spirit, and see that none of you deals treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of armies. “So be careful about your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

This has to be the passage about divorce that is taken out of context the most. “God hates divorce” is the only part many Christians quote. Yes, God does hate divorce, but did you catch in there what He hates even more? It’s not the physical act of divorce that God hates. He hates that anyone would treat a spouse so poorly that they would seek a divorce. Or that someone would treat them badly by divorcing them. Remember, God’s standards are high and holy. Marriages are sacred covenants before God. He expects you to treat each other well—as the Bible says married couples should (Ephesians and elsewhere).

*Matthew 19:1-11 “When Jesus had finished these words, He left Galilee and came into the region of Judea beyond the Jordan; and large crowds followed Him, and He healed them there. Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no person is to separate.” They *said to Him, “Why, then, did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given.”

The word pornia which is translated “sexual immorality” here as being a ground for divorce encompasses many different types of sexual sin. It’s not just adultery. Something not spoken of in churches as being a reason for divorce is porn! What if he’s addicted to porn and chooses that over his spouse time and time again?

*Matthew 5:27-28 ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Again, Jesus is calling us to a higher standard. We are not to get married and simply do the bare minimum so as not to give our spouse grounds for divorce. How many spouses have said, “Well I didn’t sleep with the other person,” and yet they have still treated their own spouses in no way fit that any Christian should treat anyone ever? The word “look” in the above passage refers to a continual action. If a man slips up and looks at porn once, but then seeks help and freedom from that sin, that’s different than a man living in habitual sin being addicted to porn and never trying to be freed from that sin. What I have never heard a church say but I see clearly in this passage is that if a man is addicted to porn and unwilling to try to be free from it, he has given his spouse grounds for divorce. Yet, because of Matthew 18, I also believe the spouse needs to go through all of those steps first to address her husband’s sin and to try to get him the help he needs to be healed. And obviously, adultery is also grounds for divorce. Most churches agree on that one.

*1 Corinthians 7 is filled with instruction about divorce and remarriage. We cannot look at that chapter of the Bible without defining at least two key words.

1. Leave: this word does not merely mean to physically leave one’s home. The married couple is to be one flesh. Leaving here refers to leaving in any way that separates that one flesh. Does it mean you cannot have disagreements? Of course not. But it means more than physically leaving. If two people lived in the same home, but literally never spoke and spent every day avoiding each other, it would seem as if they had both “left” the relationship. If an alcoholic continued to choose drinking as opposed to being involved in his family’s life and/or abandoned his responsibilities even after his spouse continued to try to get him help through the Matthew 18 steps, the alcoholic would have “left” the marriage.
2. Dead/Alive: many other places in the Bible, dead means spiritually dead and alive means living for Christ. I believe it is crazy to view every other passage figuratively and only this one literally when it comes to being dead or alive. I am not saying it has to be taken figuratively, but I know very well respected Christian churches who interpret this figuratively and I believe they have room to do so. I believe the Bible leaves room to interpret this figuratively as well as physically. I know solid evangelical and highly respected Christian churches and organizations that while they agree on nearly everything theologically, some see this as speaking to spiritual life/death while others view it as physical.

With those in mind, this passage says that Biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage are if a non-believer leaves a marriage and/or a spouse dies. I’ll just leave it at that. How one interprets the meanings of “leave” and “die,” is another matter entirely.

So what are the grounds for divorce? Abuse, Adultery, and Abandonment. If you disagree, then are you saying that these things are allowed and OK in God’s eyes in a marriage that is supposed to honor and glorify Him? In everything I have studied in the Bible about God and Him being loving and wanting our best, it does not make sense that He would want anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, to stay in a situation where they have been abandoned, or to stay with someone cheating on them, forever with no end in sight. Making a woman stay doesn’t fit with God being the Protector, Provider, Redeemer, Loving Father we hear Him to be. Ruth Graham, wife of popular evangelist Billy Graham, was once asked if she had ever considered divorce. She responded in jest, “Divorce? Never! Murder, many times.” But I believe therein lays a deep truth.

With that in mind, the Bible is also quite clear about addressing sin and especially habitual sin in a fellow believer’s life. Matthew 18 speaks the most directly about this. Therefore, no spouse can simply say, “Oh, he fell into sin. So I’m out.” Separation for safety is always an option. Yet finalizing a marriage through divorce should happen only after the couple has tried to work things out following at least Matthew 18’s steps for confrontation etc. But if one spouse is walking with the Lord and has tried everything, likely for years, to get her marriage to work with an unwilling (and therefore most likely an unbelieving) husband, she should be allowed to divorce if he is abusive, has committed adultery, or has abandoned the relationship and has shown no signs of repentance. Does she have to continue in the marriage if he repents? You know, for those reasons, the Bible still gives the option for divorce.

I knew a friend who separated from an abusive husband. After a week she also found out about an adulterous affair he had been having. This was after years of her trying to do things to help her marriage. At hearing about the affair, she was ready for a divorce. When I heard about this, I said to my spouse, “Usually, I want people’s marriages to be restored, but there is no way in hell I would ever wish for her to be married to him again after hearing what he did to her.” That was back when I had a theology of marriage that didn’t have room for divorce. I went on to say to my spouse, “I actually want her to get remarried to a good man, so she can experience what a loving relationship is like.” My desire for good things for my friend had no basis in theology. Nowhere in the Bible could I have backed that up then.

Now, however, if we look at the character of God and the overall Bible, we see God’s plan for Salvation of the whole world. Abusive marriages thwart that plan. Adulterous marriages do not glorify God. Abandonment within a marriage that’s supposed to resemble Christ’s relationship with the church, makes God look dismissible or dismissive. These things cannot and should not be in the church.

Now, if I may for a moment step up on a soapbox. Marriage ministries should never be about having a better marriage. They should always be about having a deeper relationship with Christ. Marriage ministries fail because they assume everyone attending knows Jesus and has devoted their whole life to Him. Marriages usually fail because one or both spouses have fallen from the Lord so much that they are living fully in their habitual sin. Preventing divorce isn’t about keeping a couple in love with each other. It’s about keeping people in love with Jesus. Loving a spouse isn’t about sharing our love for them. It’s about showing them how much Christ loves them. Marriages are to glorify God. That’s impossible if people are not sold out to Christ.

Also, Jesus spoke about hell a lot more than He spoke of Heaven, because He wished for people to avoid going to hell. Pastors need to preach on the Biblical grounds for divorce in order to stop people from doing those things in their marriage. It’s not about just not sleeping with other people, but not even going near the temptation, about avoiding porn or anything close to it. It’s about going above and beyond for your spouse because Christ has gone above and beyond for us.

Note to Pastors: You need to study abuse and trauma and realize that if these things are happening, it’s RARE that the couple will speak of it. Always point a couple to Christ. Point them to what the Bible says about divorce and let them be accountable to God. Your job isn’t to be the judge and jury—but to lead others to Christ. See that people know Jesus and teach them Scriptures on marriage and divorce.

If you read this and are seeking a divorce, remember to always seek God first. He might lead you to divorce, but He might lead you to simply separate or return and work it out with your spouse. I know couples in every situation. Some have faced unimaginable trials and heartache and worked it out and are happier now still together than they have ever been. Others separated but never divorced. Others divorced but never remarried. Still others eventually remarried. All were led by God. You are ultimately accountable to God with this and all decisions. This can be a heavy topic and needs to be handled with delicacy.